No lies, just love. [entries|friends|calendar] Jill [ website | myspace ♥ ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[22 Oct 2006|01:22am] [ mood | sleepy ] Wow, it's amazing reading old journal entries.. I think I've come a long way<3 I'll update this thing when it's not 1:21 in the morning. _!!!

[05 Jun 2006|04:18pm] Life is good. Travis and I are wonderful <3 I am finished with high school as of yesterday and official class of 2006 alumni from Thornton Academy. Summer has begun... endless nights and hot summer beach days with best friends. Last summer before college! I have my final interview with the Lifeguarding at Biddeford tomorrow... all in all, I think I have the job. Playoff game for softball tomorrow vs. Gorham. One step closer to being finished! I was awarded an Academic/Athletic award by some newspaper? Hahah. It's going to be a summer to remember, I am sure! :) 2 _!!!

I know nothing stays the same but if you're willing to play the game, it will be coming around again [02 Mar 2006|09:53pm] [ mood | complacent ] It's really bizarre looking back to the life you once lived as a child and realizing how much things have really changed in the end. I know I've pondered these feelings before, but why did things turn out how they are? After watching homemade videos, it just makes me even more frustrated with the actions of my parents. It seems like with every long lost video, I have memories that seem to come flooding back to me. Like being woken up almost every night of the week to screaming from the other room, to finding my mom with a bloody nose in the bathroom. Or finding my mom sobbing on the couch, or up at 3am consoling herself on the couch in the dark. Even though my life isn't half as bad as it used to be, I wished things had turned out differently. Homemade movies really are great, though. My mom just showed me a clipping of Nate and I sleeping together when we were little. We're really not close anymore, but the love is still there. And he'll always be my favorite big brother. Not to mention my singing abilities ;) ...I definitely just watched myself belt out Whitney Houston songs with some rather provocative dance moves, let me tell you. If any of you feel like laughing, I'll let you borrow it. <3 -- I've been really great about going to the gym! Today I wasn't able to go, seeing as I had to finish my 8-page research paper for Mrs. Wolfahrt, but I went Monday-Wednesday. Yayyy. Though I'm not seeing pounds drop on the scale, I feel better just knowing I'm being active. And I've been eating a lot of fruits and veggies, so all is well. Tomorrow, Erin and I are having a mini-road trip to go up to Farmington to visit Andy and Jess! I'm really excited. I haven't seen Jess up in college yet this year! I'm looking forward to spending some time with her. I really miss her being home, going to the gym, playing pass, having movie nights... gah, it's wierd not having her live in Saco anymore. I'm really just excited for summer to come. All the college kids will be back, and it will be normal. Besides the fact that I'll be gone. I won't be able to see Erin or Abs on a daily basis. :( Oh well, college will be awesome. I'm sure of it. Speaking of colleges, I've been accepted to Endicott College and University of Maine at Orono, and still waiting for word back from Northeastern University. Still thinking about Communications and Journalism, but lately, I've been leaning towards minoring in Pre-Law. Me, as a lawyer? I definitely think it's a possibility. -- Off to make a ROADTRIP mix! Then to pack! :D Be back sometime Saturday<33 _!!!

And I know ugliness, so show me something pretty... [09 Feb 2006|11:15am] [ mood | annoyed ] I procrastinate much too much. My Honors English IV class is currently in the Library, and although we're supposed to be researching for our eight page papers, we're listening to music, looking at prom dresses... fun stuff like that. ;) This week is going by way too slowly... we had our last performance last night at Friends and Family. It's really sad. Even though we'll be performing one last time at halftime at Friday's game, it's going to be my last time ever cheering for Thornton. I've spent all four years cheering here. And I'm not good enough to make a college-level team, so... my cheering career is pretty much over. :[ It's really a wierd feeling. I wish I could just take back these last four years and start over. I keep telling the Freshman I know that high school flies by. And apparently, time only goes faster as you get older. :\ I'm starting to get closer to the friends that I was once inseperable with. There's a lot I have to look forward to these upcoming months... WInter Carnival and Prom dress shopping, trips, deciding on colleges, lifeguarding... I really hope I'll be able to get a job at Bayview this summer. That would be ideal. -- I just have to make it through this week. _!!!

Do you get weary? Do you ever get weak? How do you dream when you can't fall asleep? [08 Feb 2006|09:37am] [ mood | reflective ] Desktop Publishing class.. what a joke ;) Needless to say, life has been very hectic and busy. Between school, cheering practices/games/competitions, work, and a personal life, I've been kind of worn out. It's almost as though time is slipping through my fingers. Everyday, I'm coming to the realization that I'm a step closer to graduating from this place. And even though it's exciting, it's scary as well. There's a big world out there, with many different decisions that I will eventually have to make. I've never been one to particularly like change, but I do know that I need a new environment, new people, and new experiences. But, I still really wish I was back to be in elementary school. Things were so much more simple then... -- I celebrated my 18th birthday last Thursday! Mmm, an adult now? I went out with friends to Flatbreads for lunch, and mum took me out for dinner with my Aunt Dina, Sabrina & Shannon, and Memere. I honestly think I've been blessed with the best family there is. :) -- Yesterday would have been my Grampy's birthday. It's been so long since I updated... Grampy died December 23rd, 2005, after complications with cancers, surrounded by family in Florida. I have a lot of anger with the whole situation. I feel as though I should have been able to see him before he left. The phone calls were just not enough to feel anything. I wish I could have held his hand, kissed his cheeks, and told him to not be scared. It's been an emotionally trying time lately. I feel a lot for the emotions my dad must be feeling. The day I lose one of my parents will be the day that everything good falls apart in my life.. I don't even like to think about it. RIP, Paul Staples. <3 "When you look up to the sky, hear the sound of my wings." -- On a lighter note, I'm getting my Lifeguarding license during February vacation!!! So hopefully, if things go well, I'm going to apply for a job at the beach for the summer. It's ideal for me really... the beach is my favorite place to be. <3 No college acceptances yet. My mom keeps bickering that I've applied late. I applied in December? For now, I'll patiently (and nervously) wait for letters from Northeastern, Endicott, and Orono. Wish me luck. Cheering ends this week. It's bittersweet. I probably won't ever cheer again in my lifetime, unless the college I go to sucks at cheering ;) So far, I've lost about 10 pounds since November. Softball starts in mid-March. New coaches. Let's see what this season has in store for me... benchtime? I think so. We'll make it fun though. We always do. PS) Jessica Diolio... the softball mixes won't be the same without your expertise. You better help me out. :D -- I promise I'll upload this more. :) 3 _!!!

And if I chose the one I'd like to help me through, I'd like to make it with you. [21 Nov 2005|05:05pm] [ mood | depressed ] It's amazing what death does to a person, to a family. The reality that the person you cherish and love above all things is never coming back. You can't call them anymore. You can't hug them, tell them how much you love them. You can't feel them anymore. My Aunt Susan passed away this past week. Triple-bipass surgery. Then she wouldn't wake up. She ended up having a fatal stroke. I couldn't imagine going to sleep, expecting to wake up after the surgery, anticipating going home with my family, and just go on with life. Instead, this time was cut short for my Aunt. There were no goodbyes, no warnings. And I sit here, a couple hours after her funeral, just reflecting. All I feel is empathy for my Uncle Guy, and my cousins Elizabeth and Kevin. My Uncle didn't even have the chance to retire with his wife. Elizabeth never got the chance to have a child with her mother holding her hand. Life is too sacred. It's too short. It's too important. And as I sit here, all I can do is cry for my family. For they not only lost their wife, their mother, their aunt, their cousin, their friend... they lost a wonderful woman. A woman that could brighten anyones day. A strong, beautiful, genuine, funny woman who always put on our family reunions and always had a joke and smile to share. I put myself in each and every one of my family's shoes... I couldn't imagine losing my spouse at 58 years old. I couldn't imagine not having my mom their to encourage me and keep me going while having my children. I couldn't imagine not having my mother there just to talk. It's our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas without her. I just feel so empty inside knowing that she's gone. And this is ultimately a reminder to me that my Grampy doesn't have much time either. During Sarah's dinner party on Saturday, my Grampy called me, possibly the last time I will ever have a conversation with him. We talked about my Senior pictures, and how fast I've grown up. I told him that I'm majoring in English next year for College, because of him and his inspiration. I sent a copy of my college application for him to have, the one about his influence on my writing. I wrote him a letter thanking him for everything he's done. For keeping my mom going during her darkest time. For always watching me when my dad was gone. I hurt for everyone right now. For my father, mostly. I can't imagine stepping back on the plane to go home, knowing this is most likely the last time I would ever see him, ever talk to him, ever kiss him, ever tell him how much I loved and cherished him. It's terrible for me, being up here in Maine, hundreds of miles away from him. With people like my Aunt Susan, there was no chance to say goodbye. People take things for granted. Everyone thought her surgery was going to end up alright. But things didn't turn out that way. And with my Grampy, I had the chance to say goodbye even when most people don't get that chance. I had the chance to go down and hold his hand for a while, to talk about all the years gone by. This past week, losing my Aunt, and slowly losing my Grandfather, has put everything in perspective. All I want to do is be surrounded by my family, friends, and people I care about, especially my mom. I'm trying to be a genuinely good person. I'm praying, I'm reflecting, I'm mourning. This week has been so emotionally trying for so many of us. And through it all, the only person who's offered me help is Erika. At this time, I'm thankful for her, but it makes me sad to think about all my other "friends" who really don't care... When at my lowest point of time, they're not around. I'm just tired. I'm tired of crying. I think I'm at my all-time low. I can't even stop crying through all of this. I'm sure I'll be writing a lot more soon. 1 _!!!

I would send them, but I know that it's just not enough. [30 Oct 2005|09:41pm] [ mood | good ] Wow, I've really missed this thing! As of now, Senior year is pretty stressful. I meet with Mrs. McMullen tomorrow to finalize the school's I'm applying to and all that good stuff. I'm still single! Grades are doing well... Halloween is tomorrow! I'm dressing 80's with teased&crimped hair. After work, a bunch of us are going to Maha's to watch Saw, eat food, and rot our teeth with candy. EXCITING! Yeah, fun stuff. I hung out with Courtney and Trista last night, and it was wonderful. I've come to the conclusion that surrounding myself with people that actually make me feel good about myself should be my main goal from now on. Life's too short to dwell on things. And after a three hour conversation with them and Court's parents about everything, it just felt good. Believe it or not, I like to have intellectual and meaningful conversations, and I really love them. I'm going to miss Desperate Housewives if I type anymore <3 I'll pick this up again, especially since Desktop Publishing is annoying as hell, and I have it second block tomorrow. -- And for fun: The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: jstaps 3 _!!!

[29 Sep 2005|09:32am] [ mood | groggy ] Eeeh, I'm too busy to update this thing right now. <3 AIM: JillZy144 2 _!!!

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me. [04 Aug 2005|11:24am] [ mood | eeeh ] Don't make plans with me, then decide to hang out with someone else while avoiding my phone calls. It's pretty lame, and a sure way to piss me off. Thanks. -- Eeeh, so, it's August already. And I'm not even half done Emma. And I still have The English Passenger to read. Think I can do it? Well, I'm going to have to. I'm going up to Damariscotta for a few days next week. Cheering tryouts are the 15th, 16th, and 17th... Senior pictures on the 17th at 9am. Uuh, I go to my New Hampshire camp August 21st for a few days. Jill's having a Girl's Night at her house tonight, which should entail a lot of fun. Hahah, there's going to be a lot of girls from my grade there, so the night should nevertheless be pretty gosh darn interesting, if not dramatic. -- Nate's kicking me off to do on-line homework? What a tool. 1 _!!!

She do anything to sparkle in his eye... she would suffer, she would fight, and compromise [31 Jul 2005|11:17pm] New York was wonderful! I am in love with Erika and her family, and needless to say, the 8 hour car ride was enjoyable. Her dad and I played "Guess the Artist" game, and he cheated when I was sleeping and said he won. But, I totally dominated. Elmira is wonderful! I am so in love with it. It's much like TA... shitty town though! :\ There's a really ghetto part, and then there's a place where Tommy Hilfiger lives. Neat? Uum, Ithaca was okay. I'm not planning on going there or anything. It was just cool that Road Trip was filmed there. We also looked at Syracuse... big campus, with lots of students. Reeeally gangster city as well. On the drive home, we stopped in Boston, and I saw parts of BU. I'm in love with that campus as well. I would love to go to school in the city. It would be so different, fun, and exciting for me. :) -- Last night was Tor's 17th birthday party! It was really fun. I missed her and Boiv and Matt. We made virgin Strawberry daquiries and Pina Coladas and talked and ate food and I'm officially in love with them. We talked about Senior year, and how we need to all hang out. That made me happy. -- Today, I went shopping, and spent a lot of money. Two polos from Old Navy, a halter shirt and bag from AE, eyeshadows and liners from Wal*Mart, and a card and a jewelry case for Rhonda's birthday today. And I'm going again tomorrow with my mumsie to go shopping for Senior pictures! Exciting! I was going to buy this homeless guy a burger, but when I drove by to see if he was still there, he wasn't. :\ I was sad. -- Sooo, my mom got me all pumped and told me she bought me new comforters for my room. I go up to see them, and my mouth drops open as I see a fugly Indian print comforter with black, red, green, and BROWN on my bed. Let me remind you... my room is pink striped with a green flower border. What was she thinking? Honestly, she has some frickin style issues. I don't even want to go in my bed right now. _!!!

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